Future self

When was the last time I put an entry here? I am not sure what happened to me and to my life. Each time I look back I have some decisions that I hoped that I thought wisely that I weigh my options more. Now I am in a position of losing something very important to me. I never thought that this will end like this. I pray every night to guide me with every plans, every steps that I will do. I don't know the future what I know is that those mistakes that I had in the past are not suppose to happen again, not anymore.

Maybe if I will read this post few year from now I will ask myself what is this post about. I think it is better not to go into detail so I won't be feel the pain that I feeling right now.

So future self: You are okay don't worry every thing will be just fine.

XXV

A lot of things happened in my life now. I am not a student anymore I finally graduated form college well four years ago haha. i can't imagine how time flies so fast without me noticing it. Now I don't know where to start this entry. The last entry I had was about me continuing the journey/ dream to be writer. Well years after I am still not a writer though I still want to be one someday.

I am still hoping to be good at writing especially my grammar. I know I have a lot things to learn and a lot of things to remember. Sometimes I think Shakespeare's words were not the typical grammar anyway he made his own words and during his time some people don't like him, so maybe I could be the same - don't care about the grammar or comma or whatever, as long as the message is still the same. what do you think?

One step at a time

I know this will sound cliche if i will say I don't know where to start. I believe my last entry for this blog was year 2010. I don't know what happened why I just stop expressing myself through writing, maybe I am still can't get over the fact that I am not good at this. You know the feeling that, you want to do something so bad but you know you're not good enough. So I guess I was stuck with that kind of feeling. I wanted to become a writer, an author of a good book that Oprah will include in her book list, and write a story book for kids like Dr. Seuss. I can't move forward because I am being hold back with this lack of knowledge to write, but right now in this very moment I will no longer allow anyone or anything to stop me to write. I know this is a tough journey, I will take it without expectation just pure learning. Maybe I will be the first author will tons of error in grammar, and the grammar Nazi will make me their number one enemy. As Jesus said: "He who has no sin among you cast the first stone"  I know in God's precious time I will learn to write a very good book :) 

Chance or Change

Look at the brighter side of things. I know this is hard especially if everything you hope, wish and wanted for are all gone, either by chance or through change. But let me help you by saying, God gave you another day not to feel the pain again but used it to work things on and eventually move on with what makes you sad. No one is rushing you just take your time. :)

I am back

I am back, the real me is back, I just thought why would I be so sentimental about these old stuff!? I should be happy with everything that I have. God gave me this another day to make me realized what life is all about, and that is to be happy and appreciate things and be thankful for what I have, and don't dwell on what is not in front of me. Everything that happened in school, here at home and even issues inside of me are something I will never forget nor I will not called waste, but those are the things that added for who I am today, a better and stronger me!

A friend told me that "just go with the flow" till now I really can't understand what does she mean, I cannot imagine to just go with the flow, just like the saying goes, a person who follows the crowd usually get lost.

Now I know I should be happy and do things fro Gods greater Glory :)

Happy Birthday Tita Yna I love and miss you so much

I feel so ashamed :( how could I just forget the birthday of my Auntie Yna! hay..

Auntie Yna became my second mom or should I say third mom( my mom as 1st, my Grandma as 2nd and she as 3rd) I remember when I was small my summer vacation wouldn't be complete without visiting her and staying for some nights in their house. She has her own family, her husband though is working abroad and her only daughter Queen was 1 year old then, before Queen arrived, me and my Auntie Yna always enjoyed going to mall, spend time in the bookstore and eat chicken joy :) She's been a great mom to me. Most of my relatives says that we jive because we are physically the same- both skinny, i don't see the logic of it, but I just let them believe what they want. During those summers I got the chance to play with kids in my age, to play at outside the house, to play "piko, 10-20, basketball, soccer.." to eat street food and to walk bare footed :) it was only with her and the neighborhood I experienced being a normal child. 

The last summer I had with her, was still crystal clear in my memory, she was standing at the porch of their house, I am with my my mom and I turn back and told her "Bye Tita Yna thanks sa pringles" I will never forget her face, smiling  at me. Back then inside of me, a nagging inner voice is telling me to hug her and tell her how much I love her, but I ignored it I just let that inner voice to do its business and me to do mine, I pretend that it doesn't bothered me till we reached home, I called her to say that we're home and asked if I could eat the pringles, she then said I should share it with my sisters, and so I did. 

Few weeks after I woke up in the middle of the night hearing the voice of my mom, at first I thought I was dreaming, then the first thought of it was a voice vanished, no my mom is crying. I opened the door and tried to see what is happening, then I heard my mom saying that my tita is gone. I don't know what to do then all in my thoughts was the nagging inner voice. And that was the first time I felt regret.

Now my Aunrie Yna is in better place, far far better where she is with us, she is now at peace. And after what happened I promised that I will no longer be afraid to show people how much I love them, even how stupid I thought it will be or what others might say; Nagging inner voice will never hunt me again.

Tomorrow

Life is tough. and I know I should be tougher, I need to be positive in spite of the things that is happening around. I want to clear my mind so I could think sensibly, but the bad side of it I over think things and ended up with nothing to be done.

Life is tough, and if only I' just the only one could feel this pain, struggling everyday, I could say to myself with full conviction that I can make it! but seeing the people around me suffering and I can't  do anything to make things easier for them, makes me feel helpless :(

Tomorrow will be different, I just hope that I will be tougher than today.